Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
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Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
did it work
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos