Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
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me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/