Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
hi why am I like this
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Haha! 😂
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.