quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
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Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?