Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
You Might Also Like
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon