Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
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I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys