Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
You Might Also Like
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.