Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
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[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.