Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
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I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
asking santa clause for nudes
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.