On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
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Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?