*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
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me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.