IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
#catsoftwitter
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets