Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
You Might Also Like
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Rather alarming headline…
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I’m going to need a moment here.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
And they lived apathetically ever after.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.