{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
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Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.