You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
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Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*