vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
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Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I’m putting together a team
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Coffee for people with no kids
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos