My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
You Might Also Like
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
This hospital has everything
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
@ candidates for local office
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.