Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
You Might Also Like
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??