Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school