handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
You Might Also Like
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
“HELP WITH CAT”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.