“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
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oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket