The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
You Might Also Like
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.