girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
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[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.