People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
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They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Based Erika
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
The cats activated the rainbow portal again