Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
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LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.