*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Ghost costume 😂
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
You learn something every day
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food