Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
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*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel