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No-one: I can hear screaming
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“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
This is Sparta
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.