My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Van Gone
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.