Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
You Might Also Like
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
fixed it
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.