Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
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the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence