MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
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My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
japanese corn
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine