*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
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[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.