My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Y’all ready for this
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you