[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
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We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.