First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
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So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about