Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
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It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.