He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
You Might Also Like
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
this could fix me
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.