Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
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Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer