My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
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whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Finally!
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today