(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
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Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*