I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
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All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I like long walks away from everyone
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?