In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
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I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.