[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
You Might Also Like
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.