I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
You Might Also Like
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
wtf is an acronym
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Steam Forums
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper