[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
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If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
If a snake ate a cake
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
what kind of cook setting is this??
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.