Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭