Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
My typo game is string.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
We’ve come full circle
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?