Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
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Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Cats (2019)
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.