After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
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My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
i did the math
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]